My Response

I am tired. I have to spend 10 hours looking at some boring arse work. I still have so much to do. Its so boring. I don't even know why I bother. I have no idea where this course will take me. I hate most of the people on it. They are very ignorant and have strange views on society. Narrow-minded. I don't want to be a yuppie like they are. Come to think of it, I don't really want to do traditional work at all. I am not cut out for it. I say what I think, I am rude and inappropriate because it amuses me. I have not kept a job for more than 2 months. I don't see myself working up some career ladder. I have no idea of where I am going. The university wants me to stay and are trying to find funding for me. If I get that, I will take it. Mainly because I don't want to go out and get a soul-destroying office job. I don't want a fancy car and clothes and whatever. So I don't think I will need to climb the career ladder.

As for the social ladder, I think that people have a poor impression of me anyway, and so it doesn't matter how rich and successful I become - they will still see me as odd. I have been told that some other people on my course 'pathologise' my intelligence. Apparently, I am allowed to be clever because I have some weird character flaws like depression and whatever. I feel weird anyway. I don't need some twat telling me that this is now some sort of consensus in the group. They can fuck off. I am open and honest. I say I feel weird because thats what I feel. But I KNOW that I am not really weird. It is common to be sad and depressed. Lots of people experience it. So I am normal. Because depression is everywhere. And its getting more common. The only people that judge me are the ones who have not truly felt this. Who have not been through this or really seen it happen to someone close. There are no words for how difficult it can be at times. How isolated you feel. How you don't want to do anything, and then you don't want to do nothing. How bad you feel when you see others and they seem so ok, and you wonder why you can't achieve this seemingly simple state of ok-ness. Why do you wallow? Why do you see so much so negatively? If I am at all weird, it is because I can stand this. Because I have felt this throughout the last 8 to 10 years and I am still here. I still try and see through it. And trudge on with my life despite how difficult I find it. I am not substandard weird. I am surviving. That is not weird. That is rational. Rational is normal.

Other than my boyfriend and my family, I have no-one. Before my boyfriend - I had only my family. Around me I see so many people with friends. Sometimes these people are horrible! And they have friends. I know mean, small-minded people. People I am so glad I am not, and yet they manage to find others who can stand to be around them. I can't. Can I really be as bad as the crazy Christians who can quote from the bible and think that they are the smartest guys in the room...whichever room they are in. I hate those boys. I really despise them. Sometimes you meet people who you do not dislike, you actually despise. Thats what the crazy Christians are to me. I hate how they look down on me because I am not religious. But I choose not to be. It has not just happened this way - it was an active choice. I wonder what message I send to others that makes them think I want to be on my own. I don't really, not all the time.

I can stand being on my own. Because it is just more of the life I have lived. I feel like an alien among people. I can't be the only one that feels different ALL of the time. If only I could find people like me. But I feel like others just over up what they think or feel and just try to look and appear acceptable. I don't really know who they are. I don't have faith that when I meet people they are being authentic with me. I feel like so many - too many- just try to be whatever they think everyone else is.

I need to find a depressives support group. A lot of why I am different is tied up in how I think and what I have done, and what I have been like. I cannot explain this to people who have not been through it. I hate most of all, people who tell me that they got through depression and fought it without a doctor, without pills, without help, without hospital. They always act like it was bad. But it never was. It never ever was. If you do not did these things, your depression was not severe enough. You did not fight what I have. Don't tell me you did.