I am not one of those people you can make the best out of university. In theory, its so fun, and you are free and blah blah blah. In reality, you are tied by so many social conventions. there are cliques and accepted ways of talking, acting, dressing and so on. It is not free. It is like any other arena that life takes place in. We congregate and then we create a social hierarchy. I often find myself in unfavourable places in this hierarchy. I always will be. I don't follow convention. Not because I am a rebel and I am interesting. But because I just do not know how. I wasn't taught this adequately. I do and say what I think I can get away with.
I have started a course at university. Its postgraduate, and no-one is happier that my undergraduate is behind me. Undergraduate study was a nightmare that was much more enjoyable and rewarding in hindsight than it was actually at the time. This is pretty much the story of my life. Its how I am towards everything.
Anyway, postgraduate study is an eye-opener. I am surrounded by students who are either privileged or seem to think that they are brilliant. I honestly don't see their brilliance. I am not saying that I am or am not either of these things. But the self-belief is generally much greater than the talent. It sometimes stuns me how closed-minded some of these people (just the ones I know) are. Luckily, I am taught by brilliant people. Otherwise, I would want to quit.
I do sometimes resent being treated as though I am not quite smart. I have a history of doing well. I expect that people will acknowledge it. I don't want people to tell me that I am smart, I only want them to respect my opinions or input. I thought that by easily outperforming them, they would learn. They haven't. I suppose there is nothing much more I can do about it. I don't really know why it bothered me so much in the first place.
Friday, 27 February 2009
I am new to this
I had a diary once. My boyfriend read it. So this feels weird. He will read this too. Anyway, to me this is a diary. I am not au fait with blogging at all. So this is a diary. I am not a luddite though.
Anway, I just thought it would be nice to collect my thoughts. I hope they will be intersting to someone somewhere, but I am not confident about that at all.
Mostly the need to write down my thoughts has come from me thinking too much about what others say or do towards me. There is not much outlet in my life for me to share that now. I have moved to a city that I don't like and I am struggling to meet people that I understand, or understtand me.
What's strange is that for the first time in my life, I have met Christians, that are proper Christians. I don't mind them thinking whatever they want to think. I don't mind any religion thinking whatever they want. As long as it does not infringe on my life. I don't want to be made to feel inferior or that i am lacking introspection because I choose not to believe in God or anything else. I don't need proof of God. I do not believe in God and I do not want to believe in God. That seems to make as much sense as other people choosing to believe and wanting to believe. Most of all, and I know this is a small minority of religious people, I don't want to be converted. I most definitely do not want to be converted to anything. My faith or lack of faith is not on the table. I have considered the options for belief systems. The one that I have chosen is not because I can't be bothered to think about bigger matters, and it is not because I am not introspective. I am. I decide my own morals and this requires a lot of thought and introspection.
I had a diary once. My boyfriend read it. So this feels weird. He will read this too. Anyway, to me this is a diary. I am not au fait with blogging at all. So this is a diary. I am not a luddite though.
Anway, I just thought it would be nice to collect my thoughts. I hope they will be intersting to someone somewhere, but I am not confident about that at all.
Mostly the need to write down my thoughts has come from me thinking too much about what others say or do towards me. There is not much outlet in my life for me to share that now. I have moved to a city that I don't like and I am struggling to meet people that I understand, or understand me.
What's strange is that for the first time in my life, I have met Christians, that are proper Christians. I don't mind them thinking whatever they want to think. I don't mind any religion thinking whatever they want. As long as it does not infringe on my life. I don't want to be made to feel inferior or that I am lacking introspection because I choose not to believe in God or anything else. I am not lacking in religious beliefs because I need proof of God. I do not believe in God and I do not want to believe in God. That seems to make as much sense as other people choosing to believe and wanting to believe. Most of all, and I know this is a small minority of religious people, I don't want to be converted. I most definitely do not want to be converted to anything. My faith or lack of faith is not on the table. I have considered the options for belief systems. The one that I have chosen is not because I can't be bothered to think about bigger matters, and it is not because I am not introspective. I am. I decide my own morals and this requires a lot of thought and introspection. I have a belief system that is just as valid and has just as much right to exist as the other ones out there.
I have never been bothered by religion before now. It's so strange to have to account for myself.
Anway, I just thought it would be nice to collect my thoughts. I hope they will be intersting to someone somewhere, but I am not confident about that at all.
Mostly the need to write down my thoughts has come from me thinking too much about what others say or do towards me. There is not much outlet in my life for me to share that now. I have moved to a city that I don't like and I am struggling to meet people that I understand, or understtand me.
What's strange is that for the first time in my life, I have met Christians, that are proper Christians. I don't mind them thinking whatever they want to think. I don't mind any religion thinking whatever they want. As long as it does not infringe on my life. I don't want to be made to feel inferior or that i am lacking introspection because I choose not to believe in God or anything else. I don't need proof of God. I do not believe in God and I do not want to believe in God. That seems to make as much sense as other people choosing to believe and wanting to believe. Most of all, and I know this is a small minority of religious people, I don't want to be converted. I most definitely do not want to be converted to anything. My faith or lack of faith is not on the table. I have considered the options for belief systems. The one that I have chosen is not because I can't be bothered to think about bigger matters, and it is not because I am not introspective. I am. I decide my own morals and this requires a lot of thought and introspection.
I had a diary once. My boyfriend read it. So this feels weird. He will read this too. Anyway, to me this is a diary. I am not au fait with blogging at all. So this is a diary. I am not a luddite though.
Anway, I just thought it would be nice to collect my thoughts. I hope they will be intersting to someone somewhere, but I am not confident about that at all.
Mostly the need to write down my thoughts has come from me thinking too much about what others say or do towards me. There is not much outlet in my life for me to share that now. I have moved to a city that I don't like and I am struggling to meet people that I understand, or understand me.
What's strange is that for the first time in my life, I have met Christians, that are proper Christians. I don't mind them thinking whatever they want to think. I don't mind any religion thinking whatever they want. As long as it does not infringe on my life. I don't want to be made to feel inferior or that I am lacking introspection because I choose not to believe in God or anything else. I am not lacking in religious beliefs because I need proof of God. I do not believe in God and I do not want to believe in God. That seems to make as much sense as other people choosing to believe and wanting to believe. Most of all, and I know this is a small minority of religious people, I don't want to be converted. I most definitely do not want to be converted to anything. My faith or lack of faith is not on the table. I have considered the options for belief systems. The one that I have chosen is not because I can't be bothered to think about bigger matters, and it is not because I am not introspective. I am. I decide my own morals and this requires a lot of thought and introspection. I have a belief system that is just as valid and has just as much right to exist as the other ones out there.
I have never been bothered by religion before now. It's so strange to have to account for myself.
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