My Most Enduring Trait

I haven't written about my depression in a long time. I did (naively) think I was over it. I was doing well for 3 years in Manchester. But now its back. Its not the type that I got first time round (that seemed so ingrained and part of me, that I think it was biological). This time its more environmental. I think that when you have had it for a while you can spot the difference, but to someone who hasn't had it, this might sound like bullshit. Anyway, I still don't like Nottingham. Mostly because I have one person in my life here. No friends. I am not even that difficult to get along with! But its the unfortunate case of having so little in common with other people I meet that I can't find common ground. In a good mood, I will manufacture common ground. Pretend to be more interested in things than I am. Put myself down so people don't see me as a threat (not that they need to). I basically just become a caricature of what I think likeable is. But its not authentic. Its definitely not me. In a bad mood (like everyday now), I don't give a shit. I do not pretend to be nice. I am just myself. No one here likes that. But I don't have the energy to change. Not when I have the depression going on.

I am still grateful though. When the depression was at its worst I had to be hospitalised. I have no record of how many times. Because after the distinctive admissions, you forget. I am very happy to not be in this situation now. I worry that it will happen again. I worry what people think when they find this out about me. I expect they think I am some sort of degenerate. This is cruel, but I think a lot of people will be affected by mental illness and so if they treat me like crap they will be fucked when it happens to themselves or someone they know. I probably just think that to feel better about myself.

If I do tell anyone of my past, they often act like I was the kind of cool depressive that you see in films. Not the absolute mental case and possibly personality-disordered depressive that I was. I don't tell them that I am not the 'girl, interrupted' type. I had nothing to live for back then. And I lived liked it was other peoples fault that I was like that. I felt sorry for myself and angry at others. Mental illness then became the badge that defined me. I am 26 and at uni. I am 5 years late. It took 5 years for me to get the fuck out of that headspace. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope I don't have to do it again, because I don't think i can.

Sex and Marriage

I am meant to get married this year. I decided this myself. My boyfriend is happy to marry as soon as possible. All we want is a register marriage. Just to fulfill the criteria I am meant to. My family are a little bit more strict than the average family when it comes to marriage. In other words, you should marry. You shouldn't just be in a relationship without it leading to marriage. Although I feel like I am going to be with my boyfriend for a long time, I am starting to get scared of marriage. This is not me at all. I didnt expect this to happen at all. This probably sounds stupid, but I know this kind of thing happens to other people, and its such a big cliche - but its happening to me.

The thought of marriage scares me most because I am beginning to think that it will alter our relationship. The thought of no exit makes everything more intense. The ramifications of things become greater. The next thing will definitely sound strange. The thought of marriage makes me think of having sex with other men. I won't act on it. I fantasise about it. For a while, I have being feeling like marriage is looming, and now when I fantisise - its not about my partner. This, I feel guilty for. I know its o.k. and its not cheating, but it feels like a betrayal. I want to have sex with other men who are something that my partner will never be - they are physically different. I think about kissing and sleeping with women. This is not unusual - half of my teenage fantasies were about women. But it concerns me now, because marriage will mean I can not experience it. I worry that I will ruin the marriage by fucking someone else. I don't want it enough to leave my partner - I love him.

When I did not think about marriage or think I was going to get married, this kind of thing did not happen much. My brain is doing its best to stop me marrying. And I think I am going to have to listen to it for now.

There is no god for me

I don't know how so many people can spend so much time and energy thinking and doing things about god when god may not exist. It may well be faith, but at what cost? There are so many problems in this world that really truly are there. There are so many people in distress that its so strange to me that someone would spend time on their own relationship with some magical entity. What about their relationships with those that need them in actual reality. If god did exist, and I ignored god throughout all my life because I was busy. what would god do? I was busy trying to help and improve the lives around me of people I really love. I try to do best by myself and others. Would god punish me because I hadn't worshipped god? If so, that would be stupid of god. Should I waste my life worshipping what I believe to be a magical entity that is created by humans for humans, just so that I can feel superior to others and feel safe in the knowledge that I am sacrificing parts of my life for a place in heaven. God no. I would rather live my life authenitically and go to hell.

I dislike references to god as He. I feel disgusted by this. I am disgusted when I see this regardless of what text it is in, and whoever writes it. It goes without saying why I don't like it. I believe in equality. Besides, I doubt god would genitalia if it did exist.

In essence, when I encounter religious people, I wonder why they bother. Sometimes I feel as though they consider themselves more enlightened, more intelligent, more moral. I don't believe any of this. I make my morals with every decision I make. I have to think about what I should say and do all the time. I do not follow a recipe of what is accepted practice. Other people can do, but I find my life, my decisions and choices far too challenging for anyone to say to me that I have taken any easy and unreflective route out.

Self-belief and self-hatred

I am inundated with work. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. Sometimes I don't think I can do it well. I am one of the higher achievers on the course. So I feel like I am one of the people getting shafted. I worry it will cost me my distinction. I shouldn't care. The need to achieve and do well is endless, and so if I get attached to it, there is no guarantee I will ever be able to break free of it. I see people around me like this, and I don't want it to be me. It already half is. Most of all, I don't want to be these people that tell themselves that they are incredibly smart and others aren't. That makes it easy for them to look down on everyone else. This is so unattractive! What prize do you get. I really wish I could figure out my position here.

I suppose I am used to people underestimating me. It has happened all my life. It has damaged my self-confidence in a way that I am not sure I will recover from. I really try though! I tell myself that it doesn't matter what others think of me. But what use is that, if you don't have good self-concept in the first place?

At the moment I am incredibly irritated by the people - mostly at university, students, lecturers, professors. I just feel like everyone only cares about themselves, and that doesn't get us anywhere.

I believe in the collective good. I wonder if I still will when I get a job and a family. Of if I will just turn into a knob like the people I see.