My Response

I am tired. I have to spend 10 hours looking at some boring arse work. I still have so much to do. Its so boring. I don't even know why I bother. I have no idea where this course will take me. I hate most of the people on it. They are very ignorant and have strange views on society. Narrow-minded. I don't want to be a yuppie like they are. Come to think of it, I don't really want to do traditional work at all. I am not cut out for it. I say what I think, I am rude and inappropriate because it amuses me. I have not kept a job for more than 2 months. I don't see myself working up some career ladder. I have no idea of where I am going. The university wants me to stay and are trying to find funding for me. If I get that, I will take it. Mainly because I don't want to go out and get a soul-destroying office job. I don't want a fancy car and clothes and whatever. So I don't think I will need to climb the career ladder.

As for the social ladder, I think that people have a poor impression of me anyway, and so it doesn't matter how rich and successful I become - they will still see me as odd. I have been told that some other people on my course 'pathologise' my intelligence. Apparently, I am allowed to be clever because I have some weird character flaws like depression and whatever. I feel weird anyway. I don't need some twat telling me that this is now some sort of consensus in the group. They can fuck off. I am open and honest. I say I feel weird because thats what I feel. But I KNOW that I am not really weird. It is common to be sad and depressed. Lots of people experience it. So I am normal. Because depression is everywhere. And its getting more common. The only people that judge me are the ones who have not truly felt this. Who have not been through this or really seen it happen to someone close. There are no words for how difficult it can be at times. How isolated you feel. How you don't want to do anything, and then you don't want to do nothing. How bad you feel when you see others and they seem so ok, and you wonder why you can't achieve this seemingly simple state of ok-ness. Why do you wallow? Why do you see so much so negatively? If I am at all weird, it is because I can stand this. Because I have felt this throughout the last 8 to 10 years and I am still here. I still try and see through it. And trudge on with my life despite how difficult I find it. I am not substandard weird. I am surviving. That is not weird. That is rational. Rational is normal.