Sex and Marriage

I am meant to get married this year. I decided this myself. My boyfriend is happy to marry as soon as possible. All we want is a register marriage. Just to fulfill the criteria I am meant to. My family are a little bit more strict than the average family when it comes to marriage. In other words, you should marry. You shouldn't just be in a relationship without it leading to marriage. Although I feel like I am going to be with my boyfriend for a long time, I am starting to get scared of marriage. This is not me at all. I didnt expect this to happen at all. This probably sounds stupid, but I know this kind of thing happens to other people, and its such a big cliche - but its happening to me.

The thought of marriage scares me most because I am beginning to think that it will alter our relationship. The thought of no exit makes everything more intense. The ramifications of things become greater. The next thing will definitely sound strange. The thought of marriage makes me think of having sex with other men. I won't act on it. I fantasise about it. For a while, I have being feeling like marriage is looming, and now when I fantisise - its not about my partner. This, I feel guilty for. I know its o.k. and its not cheating, but it feels like a betrayal. I want to have sex with other men who are something that my partner will never be - they are physically different. I think about kissing and sleeping with women. This is not unusual - half of my teenage fantasies were about women. But it concerns me now, because marriage will mean I can not experience it. I worry that I will ruin the marriage by fucking someone else. I don't want it enough to leave my partner - I love him.

When I did not think about marriage or think I was going to get married, this kind of thing did not happen much. My brain is doing its best to stop me marrying. And I think I am going to have to listen to it for now.