My Most Enduring Trait

I haven't written about my depression in a long time. I did (naively) think I was over it. I was doing well for 3 years in Manchester. But now its back. Its not the type that I got first time round (that seemed so ingrained and part of me, that I think it was biological). This time its more environmental. I think that when you have had it for a while you can spot the difference, but to someone who hasn't had it, this might sound like bullshit. Anyway, I still don't like Nottingham. Mostly because I have one person in my life here. No friends. I am not even that difficult to get along with! But its the unfortunate case of having so little in common with other people I meet that I can't find common ground. In a good mood, I will manufacture common ground. Pretend to be more interested in things than I am. Put myself down so people don't see me as a threat (not that they need to). I basically just become a caricature of what I think likeable is. But its not authentic. Its definitely not me. In a bad mood (like everyday now), I don't give a shit. I do not pretend to be nice. I am just myself. No one here likes that. But I don't have the energy to change. Not when I have the depression going on.

I am still grateful though. When the depression was at its worst I had to be hospitalised. I have no record of how many times. Because after the distinctive admissions, you forget. I am very happy to not be in this situation now. I worry that it will happen again. I worry what people think when they find this out about me. I expect they think I am some sort of degenerate. This is cruel, but I think a lot of people will be affected by mental illness and so if they treat me like crap they will be fucked when it happens to themselves or someone they know. I probably just think that to feel better about myself.

If I do tell anyone of my past, they often act like I was the kind of cool depressive that you see in films. Not the absolute mental case and possibly personality-disordered depressive that I was. I don't tell them that I am not the 'girl, interrupted' type. I had nothing to live for back then. And I lived liked it was other peoples fault that I was like that. I felt sorry for myself and angry at others. Mental illness then became the badge that defined me. I am 26 and at uni. I am 5 years late. It took 5 years for me to get the fuck out of that headspace. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope I don't have to do it again, because I don't think i can.