Other than my boyfriend and my family, I have no-one. Before my boyfriend - I had only my family. Around me I see so many people with friends. Sometimes these people are horrible! And they have friends. I know mean, small-minded people. People I am so glad I am not, and yet they manage to find others who can stand to be around them. I can't. Can I really be as bad as the crazy Christians who can quote from the bible and think that they are the smartest guys in the room...whichever room they are in. I hate those boys. I really despise them. Sometimes you meet people who you do not dislike, you actually despise. Thats what the crazy Christians are to me. I hate how they look down on me because I am not religious. But I choose not to be. It has not just happened this way - it was an active choice. I wonder what message I send to others that makes them think I want to be on my own. I don't really, not all the time.
I can stand being on my own. Because it is just more of the life I have lived. I feel like an alien among people. I can't be the only one that feels different ALL of the time. If only I could find people like me. But I feel like others just over up what they think or feel and just try to look and appear acceptable. I don't really know who they are. I don't have faith that when I meet people they are being authentic with me. I feel like so many - too many- just try to be whatever they think everyone else is.
I need to find a depressives support group. A lot of why I am different is tied up in how I think and what I have done, and what I have been like. I cannot explain this to people who have not been through it. I hate most of all, people who tell me that they got through depression and fought it without a doctor, without pills, without help, without hospital. They always act like it was bad. But it never was. It never ever was. If you do not did these things, your depression was not severe enough. You did not fight what I have. Don't tell me you did.
The only people i really have are my parents, who don't have a clue what's going on inside my mind most of the time but at least they're there, and my boyfriend too, who lives nearly 150 miles away from me in Newcastle. He comes down fortnightly, and sometimes more often, but other than that i'm alone.
ReplyDeleteIt gets to me; i see a group of people walk past my bedroom window and i wish i was part of them, even though i don't know them or don't 'look' like them. When i say that i feel that everyone looks the same; bland. I like colours, so i wear them, even though i feel slightly edgy when i notice i'm the only one wearing something garish, but it's part of who i am, i don't want to water it down so i look the same. But i guess that paranoia of feeling 'different' puts up a barrier between me and 'people', because i always end up thinking that they'll think i'm some weird freak :/
It's strange - i seem to want to find depressed people to talk to as my mind keeps telling me they're the only ones who'll understand, but i know i should give everyone a chance.