I am inundated with work. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. Sometimes I don't think I can do it well. I am one of the higher achievers on the course. So I feel like I am one of the people getting shafted. I worry it will cost me my distinction. I shouldn't care. The need to achieve and do well is endless, and so if I get attached to it, there is no guarantee I will ever be able to break free of it. I see people around me like this, and I don't want it to be me. It already half is. Most of all, I don't want to be these people that tell themselves that they are incredibly smart and others aren't. That makes it easy for them to look down on everyone else. This is so unattractive! What prize do you get. I really wish I could figure out my position here.
I suppose I am used to people underestimating me. It has happened all my life. It has damaged my self-confidence in a way that I am not sure I will recover from. I really try though! I tell myself that it doesn't matter what others think of me. But what use is that, if you don't have good self-concept in the first place?
At the moment I am incredibly irritated by the people - mostly at university, students, lecturers, professors. I just feel like everyone only cares about themselves, and that doesn't get us anywhere.
I believe in the collective good. I wonder if I still will when I get a job and a family. Of if I will just turn into a knob like the people I see.
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I also got that feeling from university...and also that it's just one big party. I hate the cliche student lifestyle; the drinking, the sex, the parties, and being as loud as possible. I'm extremely introverted so being thrust into that environment was a big shock for me, such a shock that i couldn't cope. I didn't make any friends, i often hid in my room, i never ate probably because i was too scared to go into my shared kitchen...it led to me having to take leave of absence from university. I'll have to start all over again next year. I'm still quite scared about it. I just wish i could be as confident as everyone else :( it's so difficult when you loathe yourself though.
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